I’ve been considering what I want to do with my life for many years, but I haven’t known what to do or how to even figure it out. I’ve tried or at least thought about trying a bunch of options: Going back to school, getting a new job, starting in a new field, being a freelancer, volunteering outside of work.

Sure, the idea of “having my best life” or “being my best self” sounded good, but I was baffled by it at the same time. What did that even mean? Surely it isn’t the same for everyone, and I had no idea what mine looked like. So how could someone else tell me how to get there?

When I read articles and advice on this topic, a lot of people said the same things about finding your life purpose and how to get the life you want. I didn’t realize until recently that I’d subconsciously made two assumptions:

1. The life I want is a destination, like I’m going to check things off a list and finally be fine. 
2. Creating the life I want requires knowing what that is, then making a plan and following it. 

These assumptions are partly why the exact thing I wanted was so elusive. Then I stumbled upon this quote yesterday from Brianna Weist: “True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake. It’s making the choice to build a life you don’t need to escape from.” 

I’ve seen similar sentiments dozens of times before, but my editor-brain instinctively cut this one down to: “True self-care is making choices that build a life you don’t need to escape from.”

And that’s when my assumptions unraveled and things got interesting.

It’s a process

When people say “build the life you want”, it’s a bit misleading because it makes “the life you want” seem like a thing, an end product that we have to wait for. It’s not.

It’s a path. It’s each step on that path. The life we want is not a destination; we live our lives every day. And if we’re not living the life we want, we can make changes today, right now, to feel good in our everyday lives.

I’m not saying we won’t ever have unpleasant experiences or do something we don’t want to do. Quite the opposite actually: Sometimes we have to make choices that will get us what we want, even if they’re unpleasant in the moment.

For some, that might be getting up early to write a few pages for their screenplay before going to work or staying up late to build their own business. Having super long days may not be fun, but sometimes, you do what you gotta do.

You create the life you want the moment you do what you want — every day you do that thing, you are living the life you want.

It doesn’t have to be planned

Another thing that tripped me up when exploring what to do with my life was that I have no idea what I want my life to look like in the future.

But after I looked at my rewritten version of the quote above, I realized I simply need to do it backwards. I’ll do the building part first, and the life I want will reveal itself. The result will also be an accurate reflection of what I want at that moment, not something I dreamed up 10 years ago that I thought I still wanted.

“The life I want” has a consistent core (love, creativity, connection), but because I like to explore my various interests, the other details (work, hobbies) are probably constantly changing — which is why I’ve never been able to answer questions like, “What does that look like?” or “How do I get there?” It’s ok not to know.

I kept following the trail of curiosity. I elected to trust completely in my fascination.

Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic

Rather than constantly looking at the illusion of the goal or end of the journey, I want to focus on being intentional with my choices in the moment to live the life I want right now and trust that that’s enough.

Trust in the process

Here’s what that looks like for me.

Slow down

Part of my pattern is to feel pressured and rushed into making decisions then taking action. I now recognize this as a coping mechanism for anxiety and uncertainty. Rather than continuing in that pattern, I want to slow down so I can be mindful and intentional about my choices — not just big life changes (new career), but little decisions too (ordering food vs eating at home).

Make value-based choices

I want to make choices that reflect what’s truly important to me. I’ve spent a lot of my life bowing to other people’s needs, desires, and expectations. Going forward, I want to focus more on saying yes only to the things that I truly want. Whether it’s for my own satisfaction or because I want to be there for someone else, I want to do what I do by choice, not obligation.

In closing

Having the framework of using these actions to live the life I want feels like the key I’ve been missing.

I will likely have to rewire certain habits and behaviors, but each time I choose what I value, I’m living fully in my truth. I may not know what I want my future to look like, but I know what I love to do. So that’s what I’m going to choose for now, and trust that I don’t need to know where I’m going to feel fulfilled.